Forget the ing, we need to become an ism

Matthew Parris may be scolded by the Press Complaints Commission - a slapped wrist, at best - but those cyclists asking PC Plod to take a look at his “incitement to hatred” are barking up the wrong tree.

In February some new laws come into operation in the UK. There’s the new incitement to homophobic hatred law (oops, I’ll get knobbled there, then, I’m an American homophobe obsessed with sex), and the linked religious hate law. But cyclists are not all homosexuals (there are some fine gayand lesbian cycling clubs, though - Dykes on Bikes, love it) and nor is cycling a religion.

In order to nail Matthew Parris - to coin a phrase - we therefore need to formalise what we all know to be true. That cycling is a religion.

It’ll help if we agreed to a slight name change. So, it’s not cycling that we worship, it’s cyclism.

Our Founding Father*, which art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name;
thy kingdom come;
thy will be done,
in earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily Shimano.
And forgive us our footpath trespasses,
as we forgive them that force us off the road.
And lead us not into temptation;
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
the powermeter, and the glory,
For ever and ever.
Amen.

* John Kemp Starley