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Scientists at CCLU of London have discovered that cars, buses and other vehicles powered by batteries (EVs) take up the same road space as vehicles propelled by internal combustion engines (ICE vehicles).
Philip Hammond, lead researcher in the Electric Vehicle Studies Department, part of the Tooth Fairy Faculty at Cloud Cuckoo Land University in Westminister, said he was baffled by the results but didn’t feel the findings would make a jot of difference to policy makers around the world.
“As we all know we’re running out of oil and suffocating in a funk of transport-related carbon emissions so the only hope for motorists is the electric vehicle. Governments around the world are pinning their hopes on EVs taking the place of ICE vees.
“Decarbonising transport is an important goal but we all assumed EVs would also cure congestion. Our study has found this not to be the case.”
Professor Hammond’s report ‘Cars Are Magic, Aren’t They?’ includes photographs of a test track in the Midlands which was filled with standard ICE vehicles and was then later filled with electric vehicles.
The CCLU research team was surprised to find that the two sets of vehicles took up exactly the same road space.
“We were shocked at first,” said Professor Hammond (nicknamed ‘Hoverboard’ by associates).
“But then we realised drivers in whatever vehicle - EV or ICE - were quite happy sitting in the queue, no matter how long we kept them there.
“As cars of the future will regularly face gridlock because we all want to drive everywhere, no matter how short the journey, our study’s final recommendation is for EVs to come factory-fitted with duvets, pillows, DVD players and other entertainment devices, and other home comforts.
“Oh, and texting ought to be allowed in the cars of the future. Won’t be much else to do, will there? After all, with 31 million cars on the UK’s already congested roads, ten million more - of which just a smidgen will be EVs - will lead to end to end traffic jams.”
Professor Hammond’s report also mentions an anti-gridlock iPhone app that could help motorists of the future.
Professor Hammond’s views on how electric cars (all 8500 of them, and all subsidised by the UK taxpayer to the tune of £5000 each) will de-carbonise the whole of the UK’s transport system by 2013 - and cure congestion at the same time - can be found in this seminar, given to the Cloud Cuckoo Land University governing body earlier this year.