Back in June I reported on the case of a man loving his bike just a little too much.
Now hostel dweller Robert Stewart has admitted to a sexual breach of the peace and has been placed on the sex offenders register. But why? What was his ‘crime’? He was alone in his room when two cleaners entered – oo, er – catching him using an unnamed part of his bicycle as a sex toy. In reality, he was doing what some men do to plastic sex dolls. He just happened to be using a bike.
This doesn’t sound terribly comfortable and most certainly gives new life to all sorts of bike riding metaphors but it’s hardly worth protecting ‘us’ from.
In his defence did the poor guy not challenge why the cleaners felt they should report his private act? And, of course, there’s a bit of previous here. A bike-bonking scenario was used in a viral promo for loveyourbike.org, a Manchester Friends of the Earth campaign. A man was discovered lubing his bike in a way not generally recommended. Click play on this very rude video, if you dare:
Hmm, and here’s an oddly appropriate quote from Flann O’Brien’s famous weird novel, The Third Policeman:
I knew that I liked this bicycle more than I had ever liked any other bicycle, better even than I had liked some people with two legs. I liked her unassuming competence, her docility, the simple dignity of her quiet way. she now seemed to rest beneath my friendly eyes like a tame fowl which will crouch submissively, awaiting with outhunched wings the caressing hand. Her saddle seemed to spread invitingly into the most enchanting of all seats while her two handlebars, floating finely with the wild grace of alighting wings, beckoned to me to lend my mystery for free and joyful journeyings, the lightest of light running in the company of the swift groundwinds to safe havens far away, the whir of the true front wheel in my ear as it spun perfectly beneath my clear eye and the strong fine back wheel with unadmired industry raising gentle dust on the dry roads. How desirable her seat was, how charming the invitation of her slim encircling handle-arms, how unaccountably competent and reassuring her pump resting warmly against her rear thigh