These will be first up against the wall

“A bunch of mindless jerks who will be the first up against the wall when the Revolution comes.”
DOUGLAS ADAMS


Come the Revolution a little black book containing the names of certain citizens will be opened. These citizens – some of whom have called for the death of cyclists – will be taken out at dawn and shot*.

TONY PARSONS
Daily Mirror columnist (anti-cycling quote from 2002)
“Bicycles are for children…[they are] like masturbation – something you should grow out of. There is something seriously sick and stunted about grown men who want to ride a bike….And if we truly cared about safety on our roads, then we would make a bonfire of all those stupid hats, all that hideous Lycra and every bicycle in the land.”

JEREMY CLARKSON
TV frontman and The Times motoring columnist (anti-cycling quotes from 2002)
“When will people understand that roads are for cars and that there is no danger at all from speeding motorists if walkers and cyclists steer clear?”

“I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, ‘I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted ‘Get a car’, and drove off.’ What I actually said was, ‘Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi.'”

NIGEL HAVERS
Actor (anti-cycling quote from 2006)
“Much of their environmentalism is nothing more than posturing. If you conducted a complete audit of the lifestyles [of cyclists], you would quickly find that they are far less green than they claim. They probably go on regular cheap flights overseas to hip new locations in eastern Europe or Africa, feeling very good about themselves as their planes emit huge clouds of noxious gases.

“They do not bother to question whether their garish Lycra garments were made by children in the Third World, or, indeed, whether their bicycle was manufactured in some exploitative, low-wage factory in China.

“Pomposity and selfishness runs through everything committed cyclists do.

“I have longed to have a stick to jam between the spokes of their wheels and bring them to a deservedly painful halt.

“Once, at the National Theatre, I had to share a dressing room with another actor who insisted on bringing in his bicycle…I often felt like putting a knife through the tyres.”

BOB AND MADISON
These two US shock jocks used to rant and rave on G105 in Raleigh, North Carolina. In September 2005 they held a listener call-in where listeners were encouraged to share any violent activities they participated in against cyclists, including running them off the road. One of the two DJs admitted that he carried empty soft drink bottles in his car to throw at cyclists. Following protests from cyclists, the DJs were suspended by Clear Channel Communications, owner of the radio station.

PK
US shock jock, Jammin’ 95.5 (alleged anti-cycling quote from 2006)
“When I hear on TV that a cyclist has been hit and killed by a car, I laugh‚ I think it’s funny. If you’re a cyclist, you should know that I exist, that I don’t care about you, that I don’t care about your life.”

PK later recanted after being taken for a bike ride.

MATTHEW PARRIS
The Times columnist (anti-cycling quote from 2007)
“A festive custom we could do worse than foster would be stringing piano wire across country lanes to decapitate cyclists.”


Got more names to add into the little black book of anti-cyclists? Email them to carltonreidAmac.com


* That is, shot by our photographer, recording for posterity the columnists’ first Bike Buddy sessions.